Today, I miss my friend.
Yesterday, I missed my friend.
When tomorrow rolls around...I'll still miss my friend.
We've all been fed the lie that time heals all wounds. All time does is move things forward. It's never had the ability in any context to change what happened. And until God allows for it, we'll never be able to go back in time either. There are two constants in this world that scientists can bet their hat on...time and change. Change is constant because as long as there is life there will be change (breathing, reproducing, creating waste, etc).
But it's been 4 years and my heart still aches. I wonder if I did something wrong or if I could have been been better. I don't even know exactly what "been better" means. Maybe given more of my time, asked more questions, fought to keep her in my life, or simply refused to be pushed away. But when I'm honest with myself, I really don't think I could have "been better". I did everything I had the capacity to do at that time in my life. But it wasn't enough.
I went through several stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I can't settle into acceptance because I just keep feeling that it's not over. The door has been closed but it's not shut. I literally get a pain in my stomach that maybe one phone call might make the difference. One Facebook message or one Tweet would let her know that I still care and that I'm still here.
When it's all said and done I find that the thing I'm most afraid of, beyond the sadness that currently holds me hostage is that maybe after I reach out I'll know for sure that my best truly wasn't good enough.
I wrote this post in April, but wasn't strong enough to post it. It's now August and I'm still not strong enough but a preacher recently said we should "let God affect us" instead of pushing away and resisting the emotions that stir up on the inside. So instead of avoiding this song like I have for 3 years, I let it affect me. One morning I broke down and sobbed on my way to the office. I listened, I cried, and I heard the irony between the lyrics of the song and my current situation:
When I’m lost and all alone
Feeling like my strength is gone
With no friends to call my own
And no one to call on the phone
I will lift my hands
And call His precious name
Cause He's always been there
And promised He'd never change
Tears streaming down my face
I'll put on the garment of praise
Cause my ways are not His ways
And my thoughts will soon fade away
I will sing the song of the Lord
And praise You even more
The one I'm living for...
I will bless the Lord
The best is yet to come,
~Adwoa
Yesterday, I missed my friend.
When tomorrow rolls around...I'll still miss my friend.
We've all been fed the lie that time heals all wounds. All time does is move things forward. It's never had the ability in any context to change what happened. And until God allows for it, we'll never be able to go back in time either. There are two constants in this world that scientists can bet their hat on...time and change. Change is constant because as long as there is life there will be change (breathing, reproducing, creating waste, etc).
But it's been 4 years and my heart still aches. I wonder if I did something wrong or if I could have been been better. I don't even know exactly what "been better" means. Maybe given more of my time, asked more questions, fought to keep her in my life, or simply refused to be pushed away. But when I'm honest with myself, I really don't think I could have "been better". I did everything I had the capacity to do at that time in my life. But it wasn't enough.
I went through several stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I can't settle into acceptance because I just keep feeling that it's not over. The door has been closed but it's not shut. I literally get a pain in my stomach that maybe one phone call might make the difference. One Facebook message or one Tweet would let her know that I still care and that I'm still here.
When it's all said and done I find that the thing I'm most afraid of, beyond the sadness that currently holds me hostage is that maybe after I reach out I'll know for sure that my best truly wasn't good enough.
I wrote this post in April, but wasn't strong enough to post it. It's now August and I'm still not strong enough but a preacher recently said we should "let God affect us" instead of pushing away and resisting the emotions that stir up on the inside. So instead of avoiding this song like I have for 3 years, I let it affect me. One morning I broke down and sobbed on my way to the office. I listened, I cried, and I heard the irony between the lyrics of the song and my current situation:
When I’m lost and all alone
Feeling like my strength is gone
With no friends to call my own
And no one to call on the phone
I will lift my hands
And call His precious name
Cause He's always been there
And promised He'd never change
Tears streaming down my face
I'll put on the garment of praise
Cause my ways are not His ways
And my thoughts will soon fade away
I will sing the song of the Lord
And praise You even more
The one I'm living for...
I will bless the Lord
The best is yet to come,
~Adwoa
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